Behavior, Treatment, & Acceptance
"Losing my way helped me find myself..."
I got down to 175 lbs with my methods of madness. I felt energized, but probably because of compliments and.. the supplements I was eagerly taking every morning. I still felt "fat", but was a world away from where I started. I was finally excited to go shopping and be out socializing. I enjoyed getting dressed up in clothes that I felt accentuated my new body and curves that I didn't feel like I had to hide. It was a feeling that I’d never experienced before. Now, at 175 lbs, it seemed like I got glowing reviews and attention from all; men, women, strangers, life long friends, peers, & employers. Things changed, I was treated differently.
Was this what it felt like to be "skinny"…to be normal....to be accepted?
Behavior & Treatment
It was almost to the point I didn’t feel like a person anymore. I was a product, being packaged and sold. Be tanner? Slim down my thighs? Get a boob lift? Cut weight until my abs show? When would it end? People weren’t interested in my story. They just wanted to know "hot weight loss tips" and to tell me how great I looked now (which, I truly appreciate) and how awful I looked before. They didn’t want to know what had happened in my life to bring me to where I was or all of the interesting stories and anecdotes I had to offer. They weren’t complimenting ME, as a person; it all circled around physicality- how I looked. Was this not what I wanted? Wasn't this what I had been craving so desperately for years? I was bitter. It went further than that.
Individuals from my life were now confessing their love for me; claiming I was the one that got away, although,... I had always been there. There, I had been, for years on the sideline as the best friend, yearning for those feelings to be reciprocated wondering why I was always overlooked... Or, the boyfriend who dumped me by saying "we're just too different" (but, actually had a size 2 waiting in the wings) was now convinced that he made a huge mistake and I’m the one he wants to marry and be the mother of his children. The initial sound of it was music to my ears, like a joyous tune I'd only been dreaming of... I was on cloud 9; then, it resonated; it was more hurtful than anything. They were only interested now that I was a slimmer version of myself. How could someone claim to love me, but I was invisible to them a few sizes larger? What would happen when I got old or, god forbid, if I gained weight again? I was mad. It didn't stop there.
Waitressing had even gotten easier for me, but, at this point, I didn’t want to interact with people anymore. I'd been getting better tips from customers, with out working any harder. I got better sections & shifts, which also increased tip intake. I went from making $18 in 3 hours to counting out $250 in small bills after a 10-hour shift. In 2011, I graduated from SIUe with a Bachelors in Advertising & Marketing and wasn’t long before I dove head first into the media industry. My boss claimed he “had a feeling about me” and “liked my look” - I was hired on the spot. Welcome to Advertising Sales.
Realization & Acceptance
Through out my life, my weight was always at the forefront of my mind. Even if I did let it fade for a brief moment, someone or something would readily remind me of it; whether it was not having a choral cummerbund big enough, not being able to get on a roller coaster with my friends, being called "two ton Tessie" by a family member, picked last for kickball, told “I didn’t need to make a meal of it” any time I ate, having to get a cheer uniform custom made in my size, or being told in a regretful tone “you could have been a model with that face, such a pretty face”, emphasis on could have been and face. I could go through endless examples, but they all boil down to the same bottom line... It’s almost like... I couldn’t be accepted for my body. I didn't accept myself. Everyone wanted me to change, including me, and always had something to say, even the mirror.
However, after awhile, it was less empowering and more infuriating. I dressed more conservatively than I did when I was heavier; I traded in push-up bras for the sports bras and actual push-ups. I didn’t need these individuals’ approval or comments to justify me feeling good about myself. I deserved more. In fact, what made them think they were entitled to give such an opinion or intimate request? What gave them the right to comment on my body, even - heavy or thin? How do they know my health or body goals? They don't.
Lowkey, I started to become a bitch; temperamental & emotional due to over usage of supplements with my anger and bitterness piled on top combined with the turmoil of my relationship at home. My family could tell I was different. Although, they were happy for my weight loss and being healthier, I wasn’t a fun person to be around. The littlest comment would set me off, lashing out in a tone or a crying fit, depending on the hour. My toxic relationship probably played heavily into this; I felt like I was bending over backwards, but never enough, constantly walking on eggshells trying to please, not feeling love. This wasn’t me... the "me" I knew was happy, loved life, had "friends". I missed her..
In order to start feeling like "me" again, I stopped taking all of the supplements. I wanted to be strong, not strung out. This mixed with my desk job made the weight start to creep back on. Soon, my seemingly brand new work clothes were too tight and found myself selecting more forgiving items. I spent the majority of the workday driving and had a lot of time to think. While thinking about my future I pondered questions like: Who am I? Why is my weight defining who I am? Are other people feeling like this? What’s the cause? It was time to learn to love myself and to realize that I’m still the same person no matter what weight I am.
Somehow, I still managed to woo clients and customers, but it’s possible they didn’t even notice my unraveling. They didn't know me from before and I was still encouraged to dress to the nines and to keep smiling. They accepted me at face value; wearing fitting pencil skirts and using the classic smile and nod technique, I raked in sale after sale, selling almost $85k worth of advertising space in one month. All while being known as “sweet Melissa”, how charming... I started to stress eat, slowly gaining what I had lost and then some. I bounced to another newspaper, unhappy and hoping for change somewhere. Things weren't any better at home and I was grasping for a way to enhance my life; upgrade it to the next level or something, anything. I decided to go back to school for my Master's Degree; Media Influence & Law; Thesis focus Social Media & it's effect on Body Image. This was my lightening strike, my Masters degree & thesis research changed me and my outlook on my body. However, somehow I had gained ALL of my hard lost weight back during my program and losing myself, tipping the scales at my highest weight of 315 lbs.... What, now?