"Chasing numbers, turning to any quick fix.."
After being heart broken and realizing I was two timed on with a size 2...
I started a “weight loss meal plan” & walked twice a day with my dog, Avery, to burn calories. Shake in the morning, another shake or a bar for lunch, and protein & vegetables or salad for dinner. But, I would cave & binge, stuffing my face with anything & everything I could find; oreos, chips, anything worthy of shoving in my face by the handful. The guilt & despair of these binges made me want to avoid food entirely, eating only out of necessity. I walked more; Avery loved the walks. The cycle would start again in my next weak moment. The weight came off, but it wasn’t fast enough, I thought. Although, the binging teetered the scale, I was down to 260 lbs.
At 240 lbs, I got a new boyfriend. He was my supervisor and also, skinny. (Trend?) I also, decided to get a new job as a waitress; hoping to be on my feet more, to be more active. I did not know what I was asking for! I soon found myself at 220 lbs, being on my feet, walking back and forth for sometimes up to 12 hours shifts. I was flying across that restaurant, slamming little cones of water in my face between tables; I was always SO thirsty. Some days were so busy, I forgot to eat; being around food all day and overhearing all the snarky comments about people there eating made me not want to eat. The restaurant industry was very superficial with many of the employees; managers even, making comments about patrons or even employee’s weight and looks. I had starting realizing that "pretty" girls got special treatment; better sections and in turn, better tips, big money. I had new found motivation ($) and stepped up my workouts. My relationship was rocky & very toxic, but I was still desperate to be loved even though I was told it multiple times a day. "Shouldn't that make you happy"? I thought I could make him happy if I just changed more... I started attending “boot camp” style fitness classes, tanning on a regular basis, & became more obsessed with my body & nit picking my imperfections than ever before.
I stopped drinking alcohol and started taking dietary aids in hopes that it’d help me have fewer weak moments. I’d do research on the Internet, searching for the "best ones" (most effective, fastest) then go find them at my local supplement store. Metabolism boosters, fat burners, carb blockers, energy boosters, skin supplements, vitamins, oils, and I wanted them all. I was willing to try anything and everything.. if there was a promise of making me thin.
How I felt and acted affected everyone around me. My boyfriend didn’t know how to make me happy, he was unhappy too; our relationship unstable, to say the least. My family was concerned for my well-being, but no one knew the underlying cause of my behavior or what was going on and I was too focused on losing weight and pleasing my mate to tell them the whole truth. As far as they knew, I was taking vitamins, eating healthy, working out daily, and normally, happy; the extent of supplements and dietary aids, lack of calories and nutrients, and my body’s reaction to this process and my relationship were only known to me.
I got down to 175 lbs with my methods of madness. I felt energized, but probably because of all the nice compliments and the supplements I was eagerly taking every morning. I felt like I was making progress. I still felt "fat", but was a world away from where I started. I was finally excited to go shopping and socializing. I enjoyed getting dressed up in clothes I felt accentuated my new body and curves that I didn't feel like I had to hide. It was a feeling that I’d never experienced before. I had previously dreaded going out, because of the process of finding something to wear that would not only fit my obese body, but also “look nice”. But now, at 175 lbs, I got glowing reviews on cheapo dresses and attention from all; men, women, strangers, life long friends, peers, & employers. Things changed, I was treated differently. Was this what it felt like to be "skinny"…to be normal....to be accepted?